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Worlds Smartest Inventions 11 transcript
man: All right, folks, step right up! I've got 20, that's right, I said 20, of the most amazing one-of-a-kind inventionsfrom the 21st century.man: Wow, Mister!That sounds great!man: We've got inventions forwhen natures calls collect!announcer: The Whizdom, theall-in-one urination innovation.man: Inventions that keep youfrom talking to Grandma!announcer: Perfect Polly, thepet parakeet that comes to lifewhen you enter the room.man: And inventions to suckthe crud out of your ears!announcer: WaxVac will help yourwhole family keep their earshealthier.man: Oh, boy!I'd like to buy all of thosethings!man: Of course you would,my good man.But that's not all I got.I've got a fan for your hat,I got a wizard for your cake.A sound system for your corpseand a buster for your crust.Wow!Please take all of my moneyin exchange for all ofthose amazing inventions.If you act now, we'll throw in acast of comedic miscreantswho will leave you in stitches.All that and more.man: Just take it!Take the money,you're so beautiful!man: It's truTV presents"World's Smartest Inventions."The adventure begins now !Closed Captions Provided by truTVannouncer: Everybody's thirstyfor more, but sometimesit's hard to pour.Giant jugs topple with the tipand bulky bottles can slip.Ted: Why are those awful kidsallowed to touch anythingin the fridge?announcer: What you need isMagic Tap, the spillproofautomatic drink dispenser.It fills every glass like magic.man: Is your kid a spazzy,uncoordinated ***who keeps spilling thingsall over the floor?Don't sell her to gypsies.Buy Magic Tap.announcer: Magic Tap fits rightover your containers,jugs and bottles.Watch, just insert it into yourdrink container, pressand Magic Tap does the rest!Now the kids can get theirown morning OJ and pour milkin their cereal,all without a single spill.Jaime: How are kids supposed tolearn not to cryover spilled milkif they never spill the milk?Brendon: If you read betweenthe lines, the message onwhy you need this Magic Tapis because kidsand old people suck.announcer: Lifting heavy drinkcontainers can be a pain,but not with Magic Tap.Enjoy your iced tea pain freeor have fresh water rightat your fingertips.Get your Magic Tap spillproofautomatic drink dispenserfor just 19.99.Daisy: Whoa, whoa, whoa.But we still make the kids andthe elderly haul in the drinkcontainers from the car, right?'Cause I'm not doingthat bull (bleep).announcer: Magic Tap,the spillproof automaticdrink dispenser.commentator: Oh!man: I am here for the Magic Tapaudition.Oh, just--Just pick up the milk?Okay, yeah.Ow!God, it's heavy!Pour it?No!Ow!Ow!announcer: The futureof interpersonal communicationis here.Robotic Rings,the robot you can wearon your fingers.Jared: Turns out you can usethe term "robot" very loosely.announcer: Simple controls movethe eyes and mouthto help you show emotionand communicate, play,act, even flirt.Dan: Robot Rings come insuper handy when you'reon a first dateand you don't want a second one.Masayasu: The robot servesas a device for enhancingthe animal-like imitative waysthat people use their hands.Like when children or theirparents play finger games.Brendon: Parents playingfinger games?That's more of an uncle thing,isn't it?announcer: Interact with peoplein a new and exciting way.Daisy: It helps you tocommunicate when whatyou're trying to communicate is,"Look out, I'm a crazy weirdo!"Chris: Ladies, my eyesare down here.Ha ha, made you look.announcer: Robotic Rings.The eyes are the windowto the soul.Ted: I love a judgmental eyeglaring at me when I stealor ***.announcer: Robotic Rings.The future is in your hands.Mike: Japan, I'm only gonnasay this one more time.Knock it off with the creepy(bleep).narrator: And now, "Not So SmartInventions In History."The parachute jacket.commentator: All right, then,let's give it a whirl, shall we?Oh, God!narrator: And that was "Not SoSmart Inventions in History."announcer: You love that low-cuttop for going out at night,but in the office,it's just not right.You've tried safety pins, butthey leave holesand just look wrong.And with a camisole, you end uptugging and adjustingall day long.Daisy: They found the mostnondescript, everywomangirl-next-doorwith the biggest ***I've ever seen.announcer: Well, nowthere's Cami Secret.Brendon: Or as I like to callit, the anti-fun cloak.announcer: The new fashionaccessory that looks just likea camisole,but watch closely, becausehere's the real secret.Mike O.: Here's the secret.It's a restaurant dinner napkin!announcer: It's designed toattach quickly and easily,right to your bra straps.You can even adjust your CamiSecret up or down,so you can decidejust how much cleavageyou'll show.woman: Girls, you no longer needto spend countless hourswondering how much "tittage"to display.Position one, or invisi-rack,is perfect for nuns,generals or whorey womenon trial for ***.Position two is good forthat gal that's been freshlyfired and trying to flirt thatjob that right back.Position three is notfor beginners.You're really flaunting thosesweater puppies and men aregonna need time to process this.announcer: Self conscious aboutwrap tops that come openand leave you exposed?With Cami Secret, you can enjoywearing all your clothes.Chris: Who told youto cover your ***?Was it Henderson?Oh, that son of a ***.Henderson, you're fired!announcer: Cami Secretattaches to your braso you can wear all yourfavorite tops withoutruining them, perfect forcontrolling neck lineson delicate dressesor adding a touch of colorto any top.Amanda: I don't think this isgonna work for me.announcer: Call now and getyour Cami Secret for just $10.Jared: And ladies, don't forget.I'll buy your used Cami Secretsjust for smelling.announcer: Call right now andwe'll double the offer and giveyou three more Cami Secretsfor free, so callor go online now.Daisy: How about not wearingslutty shirts all day, huh?That's Daisy's secret.narrator: Coming up...A germ of an idea.Plus, alone has never beenso much fun.voice: Relax.I am here for you.Everything is all right.narrator: But first, ourchairman traces the originsof the number-one smartestinvention.man: There were three thingswe knew that it had to do.One, it had to involve robots.Two, it had to involve feathers.And three, it had todelight the elderly.Robots, feathers,stinky old people.Some call it perfect.You'll call it the number-onesmartest invention.(applause)narrator: See it for yourselflater in the show.announcer: Remember the lasttime you used a public restroom?commentator: What's up, ladies?announcer: Does the thoughtof germs and sitting on a dirtytoilet make you cringe?Brendon: Whoever just came outof that bathroom needs to seea doctor, stat.announcer: Introducing PottyPax, the portabletoilet seat coverand toiletry systemthat prevents your skin andclothing from touchingthe toilet seat and bowlwhen using a public restroom.Brad: Finally, a barber's apronI can poop through.announcer: Simply place thePotty Pax seat cover right ontop of the toilet seatand when you're done, just wipeclean, fold it up and go.Ted: This is perfect for me,'cause I like to bring home alittle bit of the vile excrementI find on public toilet seats.man: Hey, what's that thing?A Potty Pax?Awesome.man: Yeah, hear that, everyone?We're going in the lady's purse!man: I'm gonna get on her keysand her make-up!announcer: Then just throw it inthe machine when you get home.Mike T.: Which machine?The time machine to go backbefore it had *** and (bleep)all over it?woman: You got it--Leave it in the car,it's a great idea.Mike B.: Sure, leave thatin the car.Who doesn't want their car tosmell like a public bathroom?man: Potty Pax is genius.boy: Potty Pax is amazing.all: Potty Pax to the max!Kevin: I'll bet a billiondollars that not one of thosepeople they talked toin the parkknew what a Potty Pax was.announcer: So the next time youhave to use a public restroom,protect your potty withthe Potty Pax!Hurry, order now.Bryan: You know what?I think I'd rather hover.man: Final round.Please spell "Krustbuster."girl: C-R-U--(bell)man: Spell "Krustbuster."boy: C--(bell)man: "Krustbuster."girl: What's a Krustbuster?man: ♪ Sandwich in a pocket ♪♪ You can make it yourself ♪♪ Peanut butter jam ♪♪ Even cheese from your shelf ♪Jared: Oh.Nothing sells a product betterthan white people rapping.man: ♪ Seal in all your ♪♪ Gooey treats ♪♪ No sharp edges ♪♪ Makes it fun to eat ♪Ted: Can somebody spell"stranger danger"?man: ♪ So step up kids ♪♪ Mom and Dad ♪♪ Something this fun ♪♪ Just can't be bad ♪Mike O.: So it's justa crust remover?man: ♪ Don't go bust ♪♪ Remove that crust ♪♪ Krustbuster! ♪♪Mike B.: Krustbuster?I ain't afraid of no toast.girl: What's a Krustbuster?Sean: Sounds like a creamyou put on an STD.Chris: I thought the Krustbusterwas for uncircumcised men.girl: K-R-U-S-T-B-U-S-T-E-R.Krustbuster!Jaime: I inventeda crust buster, too.It's called a knife.Kevin: But what happensto all the crusts?man: Children!Children, come quick!The American food has arrived!Crust?narrator: And now,"Good Intention, Bad Invention."The drink-pouring robot.commentator: Okay, presshere and...Watch, it pours the beer, see?Hang on.Oh, okay, uh...Oh!Oh, robot!narrator: And that was"Good Intention, Bad Invention."woman: Thanks to advancedrejuvenation technologyin today's market, the needfor Botox, fillers and facelifthave become a top attractionfor doctors and plastic surgeonsaround the globe.My name is Kelly CrosbyHeyniger.Mike B.: Wait a minute,wait a minute!Hi who?Kelly: Kelly Crosby Heyniger.I am 41 years old.I am a former actress and modeland my looks have always beenimportant to me.Mike T.: We get it, you're stilldoable in your 40s.Show us the thing!Kelly: I have invented a funand simple way to take yearsaway from my face.It's a temporary face lift bandcalled "the age reverser,"and it works.Gilbert: Who knew the secret toeternal youth was a rubber band?Kelly: First, pinch a smallsection of your hair at yourhairline just above your ear.Give a slight tug backwardsto see if this is the correctsection to slightly lift youreyes and forehead.Daisy: Now I can finally stopwasting time deciding whatfacial expressions to make.Kelly: Clip one side of the bandinto the front of the twistabove the left ear.Now wrap the elastic clear bandaround the back of the headand all the way aroundto the other ear.Brendon: I don't know if thisthing's reversing her age,but it's definitely reversingmy ***.Kelly: Reach around to the backof your hair and adjustthe bands so that they are snugand comfortable.John: Enough already,just get the facelift, huh?Kelly: Remember, practicemakes perfect and it maytake you a couple of triesto accomplisha perfect placement.The lift is so subtle thatonly you will know the secret.Jared: It's almost like it hasno discernible effect at all.Kelly: Get your age reversertoday.Chris: For those ladiesthat want to look a little bitweirder.I'm sorry, younger.No, I was right, you look weird.girl: There's nothing to eat.boy: I'm bored.girl: I want something sweet.announcer: How about ice cream?Introducing Ice Cream Magic,the cool new shakerthat's an ice cream maker.Now you can make delicioushomemade ice creamin three minutes.The Greg: Three minutes?That's like eight daysin kid time.announcer: Ice Cream Magicis quick and easy.Watch.First add some ice cubesin the cone.Then a little saltto activate the deep freeze.Next, pop in the bowl.Then pour in the creamand your favorite flavor.Jaime: Finally, it's ice cream,but way more complicated.It's also a fun wayto serve any ice cream.And you can add yourown toppings.commentator: Yes!Jared: In fact, you pretty muchhave to add everything.All we give you is a ice creamcone-shaped thermos.announcer: Shaking is funfor everyone.Shake it to make it at a kid'sbirthday party.all: We made ice cream!Ted: There's nothing kids lovemore than working for a snack.announcer: Get yourIce Cream Magicice cream shaker for 14.99.And when you call,we'll double your order!Bryan: Or I could justbuy ice cream.announcer: It's Ice Cream Magic.Brendon: All right, here we go,and it's ready.Who wants some?Where'd everybody go?narrator: Coming up...Pull down your pants,lean back into the strapand do your business.commentator: Hi.What's up?narrator: Plus...announcer: The secret is inthe shaft.narrator: So what is the secret?Stay tuned to find out.But first...man: The number-one smartestinvention is almost complete!It just needs one part parakeet,two parts roboticsand one drop of dementia.Why is nothing happening?narrator: Stay tuned for thenumber-one smartest invention.Marc: Hi, Marc Gill herefor Stream Clean,the standup way to blastpet stains and odors away,no bending and no scrubbing!The secret is Stream Clean'sBio-enzymatic formulathat seeks out and destroysthe odor and stainso nothing remains!Brad: "Bio-enzymatic" is sciencetalk for baking sodaand Windex mixed together.Marc: Poopy paws on the floor?Stream Clean gets out the stainand stink like it wasnever there!Amanda: If your dog crapsin the house that much,you should get a new dog.Marc: Look at that!In a matter of seconds,that stain is gone.Judy: Where the helldid the stains go?man: Where did the stains go?What are you, a (bleep) cop?Steam Clean!Marc: Just give it the Streamto deodorize and clean.Even those spills and stainswe don't like to talk about.Mike T.: You love to talkabout them, Marc Gill!You talked about little else!Marc: And it's not justfor pet stains.Spill red wine?Just Stream Clean it!Dump coffee or tea?Just Stream Clean it!man: It also eliminates tears,secrets, evidenceand *** blood!Marc: Call now and we'll sendenough Stream Cleanto clean a house full of stainsand odors for just $10.Daisy: As the motherof three teenage sons,Steam Clean has beena lifesaver.Let's just saymy carpets thank me.And the curtains.And the bed sheets, gym socks,walls, all of my towels.My boys have been busy.Marc: Call or log on now!man: Stream Clean!Laura: Hi there.My name is Laura Studeand I'm the inventorof the Loop N' Poop.It's a patent-pending devicethat reduces thigh strainand makes it easier and moresanitary to go to the bathroomin the woods.Brendon: Uh, here's a tip:Stay inside, dummy!That's where we keepall the toilets.Laura: It helps you lessen thechance of messin' your pants.A few years ago, I got fed upwith the discomfortand the disgustingnessassociated with squattingin the outdoors.woman: Come on, you fat (bleep),you can't do a squat?Laura: I discoveredthat the restroom situationis one of people's biggestdeterrents to participatingin outdoor activities.Is there a restroom on this map?Chris: Of course you can'tfind the restroom.Your map was made by a toddler.Laura: To use, you simply wrapthe Loop N' Pooparound your waist on a treethat will support your weight.Ted: This even works if youstrap it to a stout buddy.Laura: Clasp the carabineerto the loop on the open end.Adjust the strap sizeas necessary.Jared: I gotta do all thisand hold my poop in?I'm sorry,it's not gonna happen.Then pull down your pants,lean back into the strapand do your business.commentator: Hi!What's up?Gilbert: Hey, where yougoing, lady!Stop!Laura: For the past year,I've been working with engineersto improve its durabilityand versatility.John: Really?How many engineers did it taketo come up with this?Laura: Additional usesfor the Loop N' Poopinclude securing other gear,hanging food out of the reachof hungry bearsand even leashing your dog.Dan: Another additional use forthe Loop N' Poopis hanging yourselfwith the Loop N' Poopfor buying the Loop N' Poop.Laura: Thanks for your supportand don't forgetto tell your friends.narrator: And now it's timefor a particularly pointlessinvention.The candy sorting machine.Now back to the countdown.announcer: When it comes time toleave the burden of life behind,no one should have to be alone.But your hectic life makes itimpossible to be everywhere,even when a loved oneis nearing the end.Now there's the End of LifeCare Machine,the robot specially designedto be there when you can't.voice: Relax. I am here for you.Everything is alright.Bryan: For that family memberthat you care aboutjust a little too muchto ignore completelywhile they die.Jaime: There is nothing morecomforting than being givena slow-motion Indian burn.voice: I am sorry that your family andfriends can't be with you right now.But, don't be afraid.I am here to comfort you.Chris: Ah, the soothingfinal sounds of that automatedcustomer service voice.Your family and friendslove you very much.Billy: The End of Life CareMachine seems way toosentimental and touchy-feelyfor me.announcer: While you dealwith the everyday obstacleslife throws your way,you can be at ease knowing thatthe End of Life Care Machineis there for your loved one.Judy: How about if they madeone of these thatactually said the truth?voice: I'm sorry your husbandcouldn't be there,but that's what you get whenyou die during March Madness.Knock-knock.Who's dying?You.Joke complete.announcer: The End of LifeCare Machine,because when you can't be there,it can.voice: Spoiler alert.You die at the endof this sentence.narrator: And now, let's seewhat some old folksthought of that.announcer: You can be at easeknowing that the End of LifeCare Machine is therefor your loved one.man: Oh, my God.Come on.voice: I am here for you.Everything is all right.woman: That's ridiculous.man: This is awful here.That's awful.voice: I'm sorry thatyour family and friendscan't be with you right now.man: That's bad, bad, bad.woman: Oh, this is ridiculous.man: Where do theyget this stuff?narrator: And that's whatthe old folks said.woman: Beautiful buns are backin a big way, but styling themyourself can take all day.Hi, I'm Taylor Baldwin andyou're gonna love Hot Buns.It's the simple styling solutionthat gives your multipleglamorous dos anyone can do.woman: Honestly, my bunshave never looked this good.Taylor: Just roll, snapand wrap.Chris: First fake ***and now this?I don't know whatto believe anymore.What's real?Taylor: You'll havethe best buns around.woman: It goes in fast and easy.It feels good.Jared: Caution, this productcontains dangerous amountsof innuendo.Taylor: The secretis in the shaft.Mike O.: The secret flowsthrough the shaft,but it originates in the balls.I've never heard it called"the secret" before.Taylor: Its cutting-edgepatent-pending design grips hairso it's easy to roll,creating the perfect bun.Just roll, snap and wrap.Judy: Guys love putting theirhands through your hairand feeling a foam ***.Taylor: With Hot Buns, your bunswon't budge no matterwhat you do.You'll flip over Hot Buns.woman: I got big bunsand I like it!Jaime: I hate the way my bunslook, mostly because of allthe scraggly loose hairs.Oh, oh, no, I'm talkingabout my butt.Taylor: Hot Buns is the beautyfind you won't findanywhere else.To get your own set of Hot Buns,order now for only $10.Ted: My girlfriend's alwayssaying, how can I look likea Ukrainian mob wifefor under 14 bucks?Chris: Guys can use it, too.Makes my *** look longand bumpy, just likethe girls like it.Taylor: And get creative.Beautiful buns in undera minute.The Greg: There's so manydifferent looks,the ballerina,the Princess Leia,the other ballerina.Taylor: Flat buns?Saggy, loose buns?Ladies, it's time to get some...all: Hot Buns!Daisy: This is what happens whenyou invent somethingjust based on a decent pun.You make millions.all: Hot Buns!narrator: Coming up...Sound advice from your doctor.man: You should starticing your balls.Mike B.: Whoa, I'm sorry.What did he just say?narrator: Plus, an inventionthat really sucks.When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.narrator: And now,Chris Fairbanks with"What We've Learned So Far."Chris: Dumping in the woodshas never been easier.Laura: Pull down your pants,lean back into the strapand do your business.Chris: Crust better watchits ***.man: ♪ Don't go bust ♪♪ Remove that crust! ♪♪Chris: Nobody likesto see ***.announcer: It's designed toattach right to your bra straps.Chris: And kidscan't do anything.commentator: Oh!narrator: That was"What We've Learned So Far."man: After a seriesof unsuccessful and horriblyexpensive fertility treatments,our doctors had told us thatwe would not be having a baby.Finally, one took the timeto sit down with us and almostimmediately, he had a new plan.man: You should starticing your balls.Mike B.: Whoa, I'm sorry,what did he just say?man: You should starticing your balls.Jared: No wonder this guy hadto see a lot of doctors.The doctors he goes to usetechnical terms like"ice your balls."man: Research has shown thatthe *** of menwith fertility problemstend to be naturally warmerby an average of over 1 degreeCelsius .Mike O.: If I heatmy underpants every day,can I have raw sex withoutworrying about gettingsomeone pregnant?man: My doctor advised me toice for up to two hours a dayso I began to ice my balls.John: You know, I've done that,too, but not to make babies.I just like to see people drinkwith ice that I had on my balls.man: I figured there had to be away to build a pair of underwearspecifically designed to keepyou cool, dryand maximally fertile.The result is Snowballs, coolingunderwear for conceiving men.Jaime: And just likereal snowballs,they're super fun to throwin someone's face.Those were on balls.man: It was important to usthat Snowballs be designedas close to nature as possible.This is a well-builtpair of underwear.Rachel: I like guysin tighty whiteys,and with cold balls.man: Snowballs are inexpensiveand they can help you maximizeyour chances of fatherhood.Dan: Or you could just let areal man (bleep) your wife.woman: Snowballs.man: Yeah, Snowballs.narrator: And now, "HillbillyInventions Gone Wrong."commentator: Damn!narrator: Tucker putsthe finishing toucheson his homemade potato gun.commentator: We're gonnasee how--Oh, shoot!man: You okay?commentator: Tucker!Oh, damn, you all right?Right in the eye, oh,shoot, Tucker, you okay?narrator: And that was"Hillbilly InventionsGone Wrong."announcer: You love to spendtime outdoors, but the suncan be so brutal.Don't let that punishing heatruin your day or your shirt.commentator: Oh!announcer: Stay cool and drywith Solarrific, the hat withthe incredible solar-powered fanthat makes being outsidea breeze.Chris: Are you that one percentof the community that feelscomfortable in a *** packor flip-up sunglasses?Well, I have the hat for you.man: I can stay outside all dayand thanks to Solarrific,I'm as cool as a cucumber.Mike T.: Harness the powerof the sun to make youun(bleep)-ableannouncer: Solarrific is perfectfor baseball games, picnicsor any outdoor activity.Rachel: Honey, I want to go tothat picnic, but I want to makesure I look like a ***.Can you get me my Solarrificcooling cap?woman: No more greasy suntanlotion.I just pop on my Solarrificand I'm ready to go.man: Being in the sun usedto make me hot and tired.But now, I feel Solarrific.Ted: The inventors seem to thinkthat this is somehowless embarrassingthan a little head sweat.announcer: Act now and get yourSolarrific hat for the amazinglow price of just 19.99.Jared: Does it have to say"Solarrific" on it?Can I get one that says"Yankees" or "no fat chicks"?announcer: Have a Solarrificday-- Order now.Gilbert: Do they make pantslike this?'Cause then you've gotmy attention.announcer: Everybody lovesa birthday party.But wait!That cake could be ruined with amist of saliva carryingviruses and germs.Now you can stop the chance ofa virus spreading at yournext birthday partyusing the Cake Wizard.Ted: This is a great way to say,"happy birthday,you're disgusting."announcer: Just look at it work.Protect your family and friendsusing the Cake Wizard,good for all ages,but especially kids.Brad: In fairness, childrenare like little, talkingPetri dishes.announcer: The Cake Wizardis designed for easy useand maximum air flow,allowing a personto blow out the candleswhile stopping any liquidsfrom the breath stream.John: Why is there a diagram?Are people actually havingtrouble figuring this out?Mike O.: Whatever you do, do notinhale when you havethe Cake Wizard in your mouth.The fire will go right intoyour lungs and just cookyour insides.announcer: It has a specialmicrofiber filter insidewhich eliminates any sprayof saliva.Just look at it work.Daisy: What's it made out of?Hint, it's a kazoo.announcer: The Cake Wizard,a great idea for improvingan old-fashioned tradition.Jared: If you're this worriedabout germs, why are youhaving a party?Just lock yourself ina panic room with some Purell.narrator: Inventionsthat nobody asked for.Introducing the stun sword,the personal protectionof a stun gun combined withthe deadliness of a sword,together for the first time.Not available in stores.man: This is K, dreaming awaywith his Ostrich Pillow.Hi.We're Studio KG and we createdthe Ostrich Pillow.Perfect companion to nappretty much anywhere.All you have to dois find a place to nap,slip on the Ostrich Pillowand you're set to go.Mike O.: While bystandersInstagram the (bleep)in the ball sack pillow.Brendon: To relax, I like to popthe Ostrich Pillow on my headand just hang out at roadsidemen's rooms.man: ... be it for an expresspower nap at workor for a good snoozeon a long distance trip.Jared: I only see one problem.You're not supposedto nap at work!Dan: The Ostrich Pillow sendstwo distinct messagesto your coworkers.You're lonely and insane.man: Did you know that powernapping increases productivityby 34%?Mike T.: Oh, I'm sorry,were you expecting a pie chart?Get with the times, Grandpa!Cake charts now!Mike B.: Do you know thatwearing this increasesthe chance of you gettingyour *** kicked by 100%?man: We spend so much timeat work in front of a screenand we thought, why not createsomething that helps us nap,disconnect and dream?Jared: I can feel myproductivity increasing!man: We wanted to sharethis dream with you.Thank you for supporting it.man: Ostrich Pillow, 'cause ourfirst name "Depression Helmet"didn't work out.narrator: Coming up...Music worth dying for.Plus...commentator: Oh, yeah...narrator: When you gotta go..all over your shoes.But first...Rachel: Tonight, it's awhimsical item in your home,a source of fun and pleasure,but could the number-onesmartest invention be slowlydriving you insane?Could it even kill youin your sleep?We'll have thatand more fear mongering for youlater in the show.But first, a word fromour sponsors.announcer: It's a problemas old as love itself.You're intimate with yourpartner, but he never wantsto stay and cuddle afterwards.commentator: All right,see you later!announcer: It's commonly knownas post-*** intimacy aversionand it affects thousands of men.Mike B.: Somebody came up witha term for me not wantingto snuggle with your ***?John: This isn'ta hot girl problem.announcer: But now there'sa solution.It's the My After Sex Buddy,and it's the perfectpost-*** companion.Amanda: So it's a tiny pillowwith underpants.Brendon: Personally, I'm a bigfan of the before sex buddy.announcer: When it comesto snugglingthe My After Sex Buddynever finishes before you do.Ted: And they're reversible.My wife (bleep) her cuddle buddyand snuggles with me.announcer: The My After SexBuddy is ultra soft,built to lastand machine washable.Jaime: Plus, My After Sex Buddyis great at absorbing tears.announcer: Order nowand get your My After Sex Buddyfor the low price of just 19.99.Chris: Or just draw a faceon a pillow and save onshipping and handling.announcer: The My After SexBuddy, for those momentswhen the moment is over.Jared: Hey, do they makea "listen to herwork stories" buddy?Because I would buy that.narrator: And now,"Why Didn't I Think of That?"commentator: Okay, so I havea auto body shop and I wasthinking, well, what if you haveto parallel park and you don'tknow how to do it?Well, guess what?Now you don't have to worrybecause--Now, look what I did here.We take a wheel, we put it inthe back of the carand he lifts upthe back of the carand then he just drives itin like-- See, yeah, see?Like that.And then, perfect fit.There, parallel parkingwithout parallel parking.It's perfect, no?Yeah, yeah.narrator: That was"Why Didn't I Think of That?"Now back to the countdown.announcer: We've all been there.Stuck outside when nature calls.And going where you shouldn'tcan get youin some serious trouble.What's a guy to do?Introducing the Whizdom,the all-in-oneurination innovation.Judy: Do we really need to makepeeing even more convenientfor men?announcer: The Whizdomis a long latex tube.One end goes, you know where.And the other end comesout the bottom of your pants.commentator: All right!Daisy: Oh, yay, wiener funnel!Gilbert: I only need one productto help me pee down my legand it's called ***.announcer: That's it!You're ready to shareyour whizdom with the world.commentator: Aw, yeah.Yep.announcer: Now all you haveto do is followyour body's natural urges.The Whizdom does the rest.Chris: Yeah, just like that.You ignore what it meansto live in a civilized society.Sean: I came up with an idealike this once.It's called leftover McDonald'scup in my mom's carduring traffic.announcer: Use the Whizdomwhile tailgating,at a music festival, campingor anywhere you happen to be.Mike T.: From now on, ladies,just assume that men areconstantly peeing at all times.announcer: Best of all,no one has to know.Jared: Probably don't want to bewearing flip-flopswhen you use Whizdom.announcer: The next time youneed to be free to pee,have some Whizdom.Available online now.Jaime: Great job, men.The world is your toilet.narrator: Bonus invention!R.J.: As a professional golferand instructor,I always have to maintain a neatand professional appearance.But one day, I got reallyfrustrated because Iwas constantly fidgetingand tucking in my shirttail.I realized something hasto be done.So I created Tail Tux,an original one-piece shirtdesigned exclusively for men.Billy: The Tail Tux,or as my kids would call it,a Onesie.R.J.: For numerous prototypes,I designed a lineof fashion-forwardstylish and masculine Tail Tuxpolo shirt.Brad: 'Cause nothing saysstylish and masculinelike snap crotch!R.J.: I can get in and outof a golf cart.I can even bend overand read a putt.And you never have to worryabout your shirttail again.Sean: But you do have to worryabout your friends mercilesslymaking fun of you.R.J.: The amazing part is TailTux works for most sports andall kinds of activities in life.I'm so tired of hearing,"You can't afford to make itin America."Well, I'm gonna make Tail Tuxin America and I'm gonna createjobs at the same time.Daisy: Hell yeah!So take that, China,while you're offmaking everything else.We're making Onesies for adults.We're back!R.J.: I found a localclothing manufacturerin Southern Californiawith a history in the textilebusiness for over 100 yearsand they have the capabilityto produce and even expandTail Tux line.Rachel: Hi, this is Kathy fromthat small SouthernCalifornia-based company.I don't know if you got anymixed messages when we spoke,but never contact us again.R.J.: My pledge reach goalswould be to continueto expand the linewith a crew neck t-shirt,a button-down shirtand a shirt for incontinencefor guys like my father.Mike B.: Your dad told you abouthis incontinence in confidence.R.J.: Our goal is to createthe highest-quality productfor the lowest possible priceand a premium fit.Help me create a new marketand think how Tail Tux fitsinto your life.Ted: Tail Tux, because ourshirts don't smell enoughlike poop.announcer: Do you believein music?Do you believe thata beautiful melody can reachbeyond our lifetime?Dan: Is this a dumb questioncompetition?announcer: You and your lovedones shared a passion for music,but now they're gone.Now you can enjoy that musicwith your dearly departedfor all eternitywith the Catacombo Sound System,a revolutionary sound system foraudiophiles on the other side.Jared: Is this a stereofor a dead body?announcer: The Catacombo coffinemploys a pairof two-way speakers,tweeters and a divineeight-inch subwoofer.Kevin: Question, does it comewith the world's sexiestfuneral director?Brad: Now, is modeling a coffinthe step before or after ***?announcer: The Catatombmusic server featuresa seven-inch display alwaysshowing what song is plalayingsix feet under.Sean: Seriously?"Knockin' On Heaven's Door"?How hack is that?announcer: Our monthly paymentplans make purchasinga Catacombo as easyas playing your favorite song.Rachel: I couldn't affordthe Catacombo,but I still wanted to rock outwith my dead grandma,so I got the Cremate.One ear bud goes in the urn andthe other one goes in my ear,so now we can listento Lil Wayne together.announcer: The Catacombosound system.Life after death entertainment.narrator: And now for a homemadeinvention that sucks.A perfect ponytail maker.announcer: We all know weshouldn't use cotton swabsto clean or dry our ears.They even warn us,but we do it anyway.man: Ow!Daisy: Are you a man who has nocontrol over your possessed arm?Gilbert: Ow!You son of a ***!announcer: Introducing WaxVac,the safe and effective wayto clean and dry your ears.WaxVac gently draws dirtparticles and moistureout of the airrather than pushing it in.Ted: Gets rid of wax and thosepesky childhood memories.Chris: I've been using WaxVacfor three monthsand I have no idea who I amor what I was.announcer: Doctors everywherewarn against using cotton swabsto clean your ears.Kenneth: Don't use a cotton swabin your ear because it cancause significant damage.Kevin: Thanks for really sellingit, doctor.announcer: Every WaxVac comeswith eight soft color-codedsilicone tips for every memberof the family.Jared: Okay, family meeting.I think it's time for us eachto pick our WaxVac tip color.Oh, I'm OCD?announcer: But wait,there's more!Call now and we'll doublethe offer.You get two WaxVacsfor only $10.Sean: Of course.What $10 ear vacuumwouldn't be perfectly safe?announcer: WaxVac is the gentle,safe and effective wayto clean and dry your ears.Dan: Or you can just do whatI do and that's never cleanyour ears.I'm sorry, what was that?Chris: Ah, you're just in time,005.I've invented a gadgetfor your upcoming mission.Dare I say, it is mynumber-one smartest invention.Here, take a look.Mike O.: Is it some sort ofaerial surveillance drone?Why does the head keepjerking around like that?And does it have to makethat blasted chirping sound?Chris: I've still got to workout some of the kinks,but you'll find out soon enough.Mike O.: I look forward to it.narrator: The number-onesmartest invention next.man: Wheel!Mike T.: Number-one clip!girl: Grandma, you have a pet?woman: It's my singing parakeet.announcer: IntroducingPerfect Polly,the pet parakeet that comesto life when you enter the room.Chris: Do you love birdsbut hate that they're alive?announcer: Perfect Polly,when you come near,she starts to move and sing.This life size replica mimicsthe sounds and movements ofa real parakeet in the wild.Gilbert: And best of all...... it craps batteries.announcer: By the windowor on the shelf,with your Perfect Polly,you're never by yourself.Brendon: The only people who arebigger weirdos than actual birdowners are robot bird owners.announcer: So lifelikeyou won't believe your eyes.Kevin: I think by "so lifelike,"they mean "not lifelike."It's very confusing.announcer: Her cheerful,lilting song keeps you companyall day long.Everyone loves Perfect Polly.Daisy: From young whitesto old whites.announcer: Get your PerfectPolly today for only 14.99.Sean: 15 bucks?You know how muchreal birds are?Free.Just grab one,they're everywhere.Wait!Call right nowand you can double you order.That's a pair of Perfect Pollysfor 14.99.Mike O.: Two of 'em?Screw you.announcer: It's the perfect petfor someone special you know.Jared: Perfect Polly.Available at the sad old ladyemporium.announcer: Get yourPerfect Polly today.Jared: Oh, that's--Oh no.Sean: Yay!Mike O.: No, no, no!Brendon: Squirt my doody insomeone's mouth.Mike T.: What?Daisy: Oh, oh!Brad: Ow!Amanda: This doublesas a sex toy, right?